ifml^

i swear i didnt mean to crush you so hard. im predetermined to fuck everything up and im sorry. i hope that we can be friends again one day, but i doubt that will happen. in fact im pretty sure you despise me and that's well justified. apologize to everyone for me. not that it will mean anything, but they deserve that much.

chaotic.

thats the only way to describe my life currently.
there is so much to do and so very little time.
i have to move in.
i have to get my books.
i have to get my football tickets.
i have to finish painting my room.
so so much.
not to mention schools a little over a week away.

huh...

i actually looked kind of cute today.

today was hell…

the kids were horrible this morning, and well all day.
we were terribly busy at work which would’ve been fine had the previous not been the case.
i went to work out…fun right?
yeah maybe if i hadn’t killed myself.
i mean it’s weird because only my calves are sore, and only when they’re stretched just so.
but i ran thirty minutes at no less than 7mph for twenty-five of those;
then i went downstairs, and they were starting some new class and insisted i try it out and yeah PURE HELL! i mean it wasn’t really painful i guess, but i had so much adrenaline pumping through my body that i was shaking really bad.
and of the twelve different stations twelve dealt with lifting heavy objects.
i’m glad i did it, i just wish i’d had the balance to deck the instructor who was pushing me. IT WASN’T EVEN HER CLASS. 
another trainer finally came over and told her to shut up thank godd since she wouldn’t listen to me telling her that i’d already ran 30 MINUTES AT A 7MPH MINIMUM!
i get that it was her job and everything, but i wasn’t paying her to train me, plus she’d never worked out with me before, and therefore did not know my limits,
and i also tried explaining that i wasn’t trying to quit because i didn’t want to push myself, i was trying to stop because it was only a matter of time before i dropped something on myself/fell/hurt myself and she wouldn’t listen.
i still did the rest of the stations but at MY OWN pace.
i really really wanted to take the bar in one of ‘em and smack her upside the head with it.

so i like...

photoshop and photography in general so here goes...

1: The love of my life:
2: Where you and I met?
3: Take a stab at my middle name:
4: How long have you known me?
5: The last time we saw each other?
6: Would I ever go skydiving?
7: Your first impression of me upon meeting/seeing me?
8: Am I funny?
9: What's my favorite music?
10: Can I sing?
11: The best feature about me?
12: What do I want to do more than anything?
13: What is the one thing you think I should do?
14: Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15: Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else(what)?
16: Have you ever hugged me?
17: My favorite food?
18: Have you ever had a crush on me?
19: If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?
20: Your favorite memory of me?
21: If you and I were stranded on an island, what would I bring?
22: Do I believe in God?
23: Who's my best friend?
24: What is your overall impression of me?
25: Where do you think I will be in 25 years?
26: Will you re-post this so I can fill this out for you?

well...i cant let anyone outdo me now can i?
okay yeah i can im not that stubborn, but i'm blogging anyway :)
i wish i could say i really smiled just then but i didnt. actually i haven't REALLY smiled since saturday, and before that who knows?!
i really really miss my boyfriend, i have other guys hitting on me and it's absolutely ridiculous like really? if im hurt by it then OBVIOUSLY it's not a problem between me and him so FUCK OFF.

so im completely LOST without him. i really cant stand this i feel like a huge chunk of me is missing, and my heart is burning, and i'm being torn apart, and someone's stabbing me over and over, and i'm not eating, and just depressed.
i mean i guess i probably seem like some rebel teenager to my mom, but im not.
AND difficulties and bumps does not mean im looking for someone new!
you've been trying for nearly two years, there is a REASON we have yet to even hang out.
so stop it. if i want you i'll pursue you, stop putting yourself in the line of rejection.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i cant stand people who try to pry there way into a relationship. its ridiculous. you're not gonna guilt me into dating you if that's what you think. in fact even if i was interested in the first place it's a total turn off. i get that you like me and all, but its ridiculous.
and no you DONT stand a chance. not even if we stay in touch, not even if me and adam break up, not even if you were the only sane guy left on the planet.

anyway onto the real problems now.
I MISS MY BOYFRIEND, he is the absolute light of my life and without him my world is black.
i just want to wrap my arms around him and have him tell me we'll kick the worlds ass together.
what i would give just to be able to see him.
:(
i want my life back thats all. i would take an 8 oclock curfew and limits and anything just to have him back.
it's not fair that on one hand she's telling me i need to grow up and start making my own decisions and on the other she's trying to run my life without even letting me have my two cents.
i mean most teenagers have figts with their parents, but most parents at least listen to their kids. maybe without any intention of agreeing but they let them talk. not my mom though. heaven forbid i be more logical than her. that would crush her so badly. ughhh i have to take a break i cant talk about this any more. im so sick of it and sick of everyone feeling sorry for me and sick of that mother fucker trying to make his way in even though he says he "hopes things work out for me and adam" whatever. he just thinks thats what i wanted to hear figured that'd get his foot in the door. well it didnt.

home not so sweet home.

i'm horse, sunburnt, and a young woman trapped in an old womans body.
the trip was wonderful and i'm ready to go back now.
white water rafting was great, as was the horse back riding. i picked the worst day to break in my hiking boots though. man did yesterday suck, they almost sent the park rangers after us. it was kind of worth it though. plenty of gorgeous pictures. only one thing could've made it better, but i guess it's too late for that.
so as much fun as it was nearly everything that could've gone wrong did.

-rained the first night got our tents wet and we had to pack up in the rain in order to mak it to tenn.
-someone got hurt.
-van broke down
-bear came into the site merely feet away from me and friends.
-top of the highest mountain? foggy.
-new van? hit a can of red paint...luckily it came off.
-drama? of course.
-pain? duh.
-sunburn? duh.

worth it? every little bit.

im sort of excited about leaving for the smokies in the morning, but on the other hand i'd really like to see my baby before i go. :( it makes me sad that i wont get to see him. :( i planned on spending all day today with him and i can't. LAME!
i hate being without him. maybe i'll let a bear maul me just so i dont have to lie without him anymore. :/ nah i would never. but yeah i love ADAM CHRISTOPHER with every fiber of my being. :/ i really miss him a lot and want to wrap my arms around him oh so badly.

so much for happily ever after.

apparently life for me is impossible. and to think, i thought i could win in the end, but either there is no end or i always lose. it's ridiculous how onesided (well just not-my-sided) my life is. apparently my mom forcing me and adam to break up, though admittedly not her place, was also solely in MY best interest. thats right, the whole thing?! ALL ABOUT ME. funny cause im pretty sure if he wasnt the one for me i'd be fantastic right now and not completely miserable. i hardly eat, i toss and turn in my sleep, i have nightmares of him getting into an accident or being killed before i see him again. it's ridiculous how much i want him. if he was really as abusive and controlling as everyone's saying he is, i would be HAPPY with the current arrangement or RELIEVED as some may put it. but im not. not even in the slightest bit. and the major problem is i do a bad job of letting people in. i've tried and tried to show people how i feel, but im no good. obviously everyone knows im upset, but they dont see the MISERABLE me. it sucks, it really truly sucks. And the worst part is that i haven't exactly been the BEST girlfriend to ADAM either. but noone will sit down long enough for me to tell them about it.
UGHHHHH....akjdhfa;kseuriwernamsdfakuerwjnfakjsdhgur...I hate this all so much, i just want my boyfriend back. I would take having to be home at 6pm just in order to have him back. I would give almost anything to have things go back to the way they were.
kldfjlkaddfjlkajelwaenffuvkjwebrlisudvawunreaefoiucdvnameworuwer.
MY LIFE IS THE EPITOME OF HELL WITHOUT HIM.

eek.

EEEK.
i loveeeeeee blogging.
its even better than a cup of joe :)
i dont do it enough though :(
maybe now i'll keep up with it.